Delicious Butter Braid Breads for the holidays …

Nov. 2007 … I sent this email to Reanna, who was at that time responsible for HR issues; I also blindcopied the entire staff at the same time.

Delicious Butter Braid Breads for the holidays …


What is the company policy on informing the FAC staff about the availability of delectable Butter Braid Breads, home-baked pastry loaves in six great flavors?

It would burn me up if some dunderhead filled my in-box with unwanted solicitation, even if it was for a very worthy cause – like a youth swim team – and even if they came in melt-in-your-mouth Butter Braid Breads flavors like Bavarian creme with chocolate icing, cherry, apple, blueberry cream cheese, cinnamon, and cream cheese.

That’s why I want to know the policy; I don’t want to violate any rules this close to the deadline for purchase of Nov. 6 at just $9 a loaf.

So I will keep this brief. I know how important your time is. One nice thing about the Butter Braid Breads is that it’s perfect for busy, on-the-go people. They arrive frozen, so you just defrost, let them rise and then bake for 20 minutes. Couldn’t be simpler, but that’s beside the point.

So steer me in the right direction. Maybe I can make up a flyer and make it available in the break room, stating the virtues of Butter Braid Breads this close to the gift-giving holidays.


Then a few minutes later I emailed Reanna again.

Delicious Butter Braid Breads for the holidays …


It has been brought to my attention that I might have accidentally sent that last email to some of the other staff. My deepest apologies.

I will have a Butter Braid Breads sign up form at my desk starting bright and early tomorrow — cash, checks are welcome — but you will not hear about this tremendous offer from me again.


The very next day …

Missing Red Stapler …

Dear Fellow Staffers:

I apologize in advance for another annoying email, but I am missing my red stapler and I need your help. I wouldn’t bother you with something as trivial as a missing stapler, but it was a gift from my father and it has a lot of sentimental value for me.

And I know that it is missing because I was keeping my red stapler on my desk, right next to my Butter Braid Bread sign-up sheet, and it’s gone now.

So let me know if you come across a shiny red stapler, and have a nice weekend.


A couple days later, an email to my wife …

Just sold another one … I’m probably going to get fired.


March 2008 … a member of the Development staff sent an unfortunate email to her department and unknowingly to the entire senior staff. In that email, she suggested that one member of the senior staff (Alan) stick the contents of the email in his pipe and smoke it.

“We ROCK!!! Stick that in your pipe A**n and smoke it!”

Alan responds to the development staffer …

“Angie, could you please clarify what A**n refers to?”

Angie issued a quick apology and explanation. To diffuse any remaining tensions, I wrote:

“Would pipe smoking be an addendum to the current FAC smoking policy?”


April 2008 … the FAC decided to field a softball team and was looking for team names. I suggested team names as well as a team mascot, Buddy, the Bemis dog who has since passed on and I apologize in advance if joking about Buddy since his passing is in poor taste:

Buddy is a great dog and would be a great symbol for our team … slow and listless, best days behind him, etc.

Suggestions for team name …

* Panic at the Disco
* FAC Legion of Doom
* FAC Sissyboys
* Dale Street Destroyers
* Man’s Inhumanity to Man
* Meem’s


June 2008 … a local public relations firm, PRACO, changed it’s name to Vladimir Jones, I wrote the founder, who I had a great working relationship with … so I thought I could get away with this … in hindsight, maybe I should have kept this one to myself.

Vladimir Jones is a bold choice; it sounds cool, but I’ve got to ask … how close were you to going with Vlad the Impaler?

Slightly bolder, but probably not as wise. Best of luck with the rollout.


Feb. 2009 … Scott was the new guy in development. My good friend to this day. I really enjoyed this exchange of emails between me, Scott and our new CEO, Sam:

From Scott

Sam, as you directed, I did a little informal research and drew up the attached memo/proposal. Chew on it and let me know what you think. (He neglected to include the attachment.)

From Scott

Sorry, folks, I previously pushed “send” in error. I’m claiming “new guy mistake” even though I’ve used email in daily communications for nearly 15 yrs now. Attached is my proposal. (It still wasn’t attached.)

From Scott:

I meant now I’ve attached it. (third try).

From Sam:

Please see attachment for my thoughts. (no attachment)

From Me:

Sam, you are way off base. Please see my rebuttal via an attachment.

From Sam:

Your document is on the edge of gross insubordination. See the attached markup from the FAC’s attorney.

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